1. Jayson Woodbridge and Bill Harlan will join forces to create a wine so boutique and so exclusive that only one bottle is produced from the over 2000 acres of premium Cab devoted to its production. It will cost 8 trillion dollars and be purchased by Kim Jong Il. Wine Spectator will give in 93 points. Robert Parker will give it 108 points. Wine Enthusiast will not get any.
2. Fosters Wine Estates will sell off its American winery portfolio to Walmart. Walmart will consolidate labor by replacing all winemakers with one “Grand Wizard High Overlord of Winemaking.” Within one year all but one winery will be sold back to Fosters for triple the cost of the original sale. The remaining winery will be kept as a legal front for Walmart’s secret production facility for Screaming Eagle, Vega Sicilia and Chateau Latour. Fosters will be dismantled shortly after and its remaining holding sold back to Walmart at 3% of their actual value.
3. Social media will become so important in wine marketing that every written word in every wine review will now legally have to be hashtagged.
4. Everyone everywhere will stop drinking Cabernet Sauvignon after learning that its actually just fermented grape juice.
5. Doctors will discover that wine grants eternal life, makes you more attractive, bullet proof, grants wishes, and will cause money to grow on trees.
6. It will be discovered that “1 Wine Dude,” “Fermentation,” “Good Grape,” “Dr Vino,” “Steve Heimoff,” and 65% of Wine Spectator are actually written by Billy Newsome, a 4th grader in Vernon Indiana.
7. A hot new South American varietal will be the next Cab killer. Then it won’t.
8. St. Emilion will have all of its classifications suspended just long enough for people to remember it still exists.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO WRITE A REBUTTAL (or some predictions of your own)? Send your counter-point to submissions@palatepress.com, along with your website (if you have one) and a short bio. We will publish the best counter-point next week.
—Louis Calli has been involved in the wine industry for over a decade in several capacities. When he’s not enjoying vino he spends his time hiking with his pooch Frankie, and working on expanding his impressive collection of sweater vests.
